Perelandra/Secrets/Trust

The Enemy's greatest power lies in his ability to convince us of the existence or necessity of secrets. Whether they be secrets kept by those who Love us, or ones we must keep ourselves (even if for some supposed "Greater Good"). Through secrets, life becomes unrealistically complex. Where there used to be straight-forward communication, full of Love and life, there is now a blurred void. And it is in that void the Enemy creates a "knowing", or reality, full of false-complexities and real-ambiguities. From there he weaves his strands of distrust, isolation, and death into the pedantic mess; creating doubt towards the goodness of those who truly Love us, even in Love itself. Then everything becomes uncertain, even a lie or unreal. We even begin to question the existence him who convinced us of secrets in the first place. Then, Love is a lie and everything is darkened chaos.

"In the shelter of each other, the people live"

My Playlist Right Now

I haven't done this is a while....again.

Things have been quite extraordinary and confusing these past months and weeks. There's a lot I've been working through. Heartbreak, betrayal, learning to trust again, Love, my own internal confusion, regret, and cautious hope. These writings, whether they be in prose form or lyric, have been keeping my heart company, giving it hope and keeping it in gracious check all at the same time. So, I thought I would share, since good music and writing is always something to share. Definitely check out the entire songs, they are amazing all the way around. And check out the CDs too. They are good stuff.

"I guess it's just hard to believe the grace You pour out on me. I guess I'm just starting to see how You're working in me....clothe me in Your glory"- Forever Holy: The Glorious Unseen- This song wasn't one that really jumped out to me on this CD, but now I'm very much living the lyrics in my life and discovering how true they are. The word "glory" has taken on a very different, yet much more amazing definition for me as well.

"It'll be a day like this one when the sky falls down and the hungry and poor and deserted are found. Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard? Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards?.....Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?"- The Blues: Switchfoot- I definitely am discontented these days...it tends to happen when you come face to face with your junk and try to make it right. Yet, oddly enough this song helps me get to a place where I can be content. It's really honest, yet extremely hopeful...in a cautious sort of way.

"I'm holding on, I'm holding on to You. My world is wrong, my world is lies come true. And I fall in love with the one's that run me through, when all along all I needed is You."- Sing It Out: Switchfoot- This whole song is very much where I'm at. And it has definitely been a deep prayer in my heart, especially these past couple weeks.

"So you're in Nashville on the phone, and I'm back here at home. The words are new but I recognize the tone. If you Love her let her go."- My Love Goes Free: Jon Foreman- I'm realizing how tightly I've held on to people because in my heart I didn't trust them to stay with me. And now, through a lot of heartbreak and confusion I have caused because of that, I'm seeing that the only way you can truly Love anyone ever...is by trusting them. And I'm seeing I cannot use a single ounce of control if that is what I desire. If one trusts, they do not control. It's hard, but she deserves it.

"So if you're waiting for Love, well it's a promise I'll keep. If you don't mind believing that it changes everything, then time will never matter"- Sunny Days: Jars Of Clay- If God is truly in control, the it is through the might of His Love, so patient, enduring, and innovative; not the force of His arms, that He is so. I'm beginning to see that in my own life. And God is calling me to trust him that no matter what I do or experiencing, however heartbreak or heinous, His Love has conquered even death, and His grace and redemption extend beyond it. How beautiful! How amazing!

"So could you Love this bastard child, though I don't trust you to provide? With one hand in a pot of gold, and with the other in your side. I am so easily satisfied by the call of lovers so less wild. That I would take a little cash over your very flesh and blood....I am a whore, I do confess..."- Wedding Dress: Derek Webb- So could You? Could You Love this bastard child? Because I swear, if you can, your Love will drown out my treason! And I will be yours forever!

"There's a river that I know, where you don't have to reap what you have sown."- Atonement: The Frozen Ocean- I'd heard of this place....but only in dreams and fairy-tales. But now I've found it....and I am so utterly amazed!

"If you travel here, you will feel it all. The brightest and the darkest. And if you travel here, listen to your heart. Take with you what lasts forever."- Traveler's Song: Future Of Forestry- I most definitely have been traveling these past months. To the depths of who I am, and places I've never been before. In fact avoided. I am seeing the darkest things, and they break my heart and scare me to death. But I am also seeing the brightest things. And those things; those amazing and disturbingly unfair things are changing me in ways I've never known before.

"Slow your breath down, just take it slow. Find your heart now; oh, you can trust and love again.......If you leave I'll still be close to you when all your fears rain down. I'll take you back a thousand times again. Oh, I'll take you as my own."- Slow Your Breath Down: Future Of Forestry- These words are my constant companion these days. These days there have been a lot of things to be afraid of, yet I'm finding I must trust and love again, even if my heart is purposefully crushed, because it is the only way to find anything worth anything at all. And what grace this song speaks of!

"Close your eyes this time, 'cause trust is all we have tonight, but trust will be forever. Safe your dreams will be. Trust will be the light tonight, so close your eyes this time."- Close Your Eyes: Future Of Forestry- Similar to the previous section, I've had a lot of fearful days these past weeks. I've done somethings that have really hurt people I care so deeply for, and my mind is really good at blowing situations out of proportion...yet there have been some instances where I've been terrified at what really could happen. These have been the words of God to my heart....calling me to trust no matter what happens, no matter how terrifying or heartbreaking.

Your Love Is Strong "Two things You've told me: that You are strong and You Love me"- Your Love Is Strong: Jon Foreman- I don't know whether by algorithm or the grace of God, but after "My Love Goes Free" played on my iPod one day when I was wrestling with the fear of letting go, this song played immediately after. Either way...it meant so much to my fearful soul.

"Hello Hurricane, you're not enough! Hello Hurricane, you can't silence my Love! I've got doors and windows boarded up. All your dead-end fury is not enough, you can't silence my Love!"- Hello Hurricane: Switchfoot- I'm walking through some hurricanes right now. Some by my own creation, and some by the hands of others. But this song, those lines, are the tattered, wind-swept hope that I am clinging to.

"Maybe redemption has stories to tell. Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where you gonna go? Salvation is here."- Dare You To Move: Switchfoot- Maybe....just maybe.....

Snow/Silence/Death

It's been snowing here the past few days. It came in on Thursday and has been off and on ever since. I love it when it snows. But mostly I love it when it's snowing. Firstly, those flakes are incredible; each and everyone beautiful and unique. It amazes me that water going up and down while freezing thousands of feet in the air can produce something so complex and beautiful!

I noticed again their complex beauty a few weeks ago when it snowed a little, then when I arrived at work that day there were snowflake decorations on the doors, each and everyone the exact same as those around it. I laughed, yet I also was sad. Creativity and efficiency are ways of being and doing that will always be at war. If you want efficiency, you must give up creativity, and vise versa. As I think about that, part of me wonders if we've forgotten something as Christians. When I think about God and how he interacts with us, efficiency doesn't exist for him. It's all creative how he lives with and loves us. And that's weird to me because that's not how I live my life at all. Yet it also makes sense because God doesn't worry about time. The only reason efficiency is ever needed is if there is a point at which the doing, or being, will not be able to happen any more. Things must go efficiently so we can get a lot done before we can't anymore. Before we stop...before time ends...before we die.

As I think about it, the main reason we wonder what time it is directly relates to our view of death. The simple action of looking at the clock, or checking the time on our cell phone reveals our beliefs about death. Not that time, calenders, watches, and alarm clocks are bad, yet I feel like to those of us who claim Christ has defeated death, they should be irrelevant.

There's a sign in the backroom of where I work (actually it's all over the backroom) that says, "Speed is life". The first time I saw that, and up until the present, it disturbs me deeply. I don't think people realize what they're saying when they write that. I get they want us to work hard, but "Speed is life"?! I think that is a reflection of our society (because at my job "The customer is #1!" so apparently the customer thinks "speed is life" too.) and I think a lot of Christians are, unfortunately, leading the parade. I see it in our congregations, our worship services, our acts of worship themselves, or planning meetings, the mind-sets of our spiritual shepherds and leaders.

I don't think we understand what Jesus did to death, and I think it affects the ways we live and love.

Death used to be the end. It was the consequence we created by making eternal choices with finite wisdom. We were on a road trip and we ran the car into a building. The trip is over. We're going nowhere.

What Jesus did to death is he killed it!

Death is dead!

It still exists, just like a dead body exists and exerts force on the ground to which it has fallen, but it has no power anymore. No essence, no being. And the more and more it decays, the less and less it exerts force. Now death is a flat tire. We must experience it, we must go through it, but the car continues and the road trip does not end.

Car wreck vs. flat tire.
Death then vs. death now.

So if the end is not the end, even though everyone acts like it is, that means time, in more ways than we'll admit, is irrelevant. Yes, when we die we "leave" this realm, but God doesn't. So his work will continue long after we're gone. So why are we trying to be so efficient with our Christian lives? It's not about us! God is not efficient, even though he works and acts inside our "timed" realm, and neither should we. We must be creative in everything at all times. That is the way of the Kingdom.

But that's actually not what I was wanting to write about. Ha ha :)

Snow. I love it when it's snowing. The flakes seem to suck up all the sound. It's so still, so quiet. The silence is so incredibly wide and deep! It absorbs and covers everything more and more with each inch. Yet, even tonight as I took a walk, over the crunching of my shoes in the snow, in the distance I could still hear cars on the roads.

I feel like the snow has come to put all things to rest, like a mother tucking in her child for bed. But we, unlike the rest of creation, are the child that doesn't want to sleep. We want to play with our toys (jobs, groceries, obligations, fantasies) and don't give a damn that mommy is looking out for us and knows we need our rest. I love it in The Shack when Peterson talks about how the snow forces everyone to stop and breathe. It sounds so incredibly serene and peaceful! But where I'm at, the snow doesn't stop us, it just slows us down and makes us frustrated. I felt it the other day going to work. And if I'm honest I hate that that is true about me. I so want to be a man of peace who is content in every situation. But it's so easy for me to get caught up in the hurry of our societies' religious devotion to economy and efficiency that I don't ever think about it most of the time.

-I just looked out the window and the wind was making the falling snow dance.-

I am beginning to love dancing more than I ever have. It used to be weird, uncomfortable, and foreign to me, but I'm beginning to see the ways in which the body of a skilled dancer convey the music. Sometimes if I am feeling oppressed by demands of efficiency at work, in order to fight it, I'll skip instead of walk. It makes me feel like a kid again and free from all these "adult, real world" responsibilities which are actually just seeds of our delusion.

It's weird that all this came out when all I was wanting to do was write about how I love snow and how much I enjoyed my walk in it this evening. Again, it's amazing to me how so much can come from so little.

If you make a snowflake my judge, I'll be guilty every time!

One Love. One World.